It’s the greatest fucking movie of all time. It’s that simple. Citizen Kane was a joke, 8 ½ was shallow, Star Wars had crappy effects, and 400 Blows was child’s play. You will laugh. You will cry. You will ponder the meaning of life and love. You will throw spoons at the screen and cry for Denny. Nothing I can say will do this film justice. You just have to see The Room (2003).

Placing itself somewhere between soft-core porn and foreign melodrama, Tommy Wiseau’s The Room is all the right levels of WTF and incoherence. The plot centers around some horrible love story about an unhappy wife who arbitrarily sleeps with everyone, her incoherent husband who is absolutely crazy, and this weird middle-aged child they adopt who wants to bone the wife. Add to this a mother who looks like Beavis, a man who wants to have sex with cake, and a plethora of just random unexplained characters and you have the making of something beautiful. The story behind this film itself as I have heard thus far though, is that no one has any idea who this director is, where his ridiculous accent is from, why his body is all fucked up, how he got 8 million dollars together to shoot this film, and how the film made it to theatres. All we know is that it is awesome on to many levels to count.

I have been wondering about this idea of the cult film for some time. Ever since Repo: The Genetic Opera came out last year, toting itself as “the next Rocky Horror” (which it really failed at), I wondered what it was that really made a movie just bad enough to be good. Sometimes it’s about being aware of the ridiculousness of it, like Batman (1966) or Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002), where the horrible factor of the movie is pre-calculated to be as awful as possible. But once in a while, a rage glimmer of brown stain on the film medium arises and the creators have no idea what they have done. It’s as though all the actors from the infomercials got together to make a movie. The plot makes no sense, the characters are random, the dialogue is Shakespearean in its hilarity, and Tommy Wiseau is the worst actor in the history of B film.

The Room is the next Rocky Horror. The Royal Cinema has only been showing it for 2 months now, and already the whole audience has lines to yell, things to throw at the screen, and action to mimic. Every time a character enters who hasn’t (and won’t) be explained the audience chimes “WHO ARE YOU!?”. When the bland, Ikea catalogue sets make way to cutlery in all the picture frames for no apparent reason, the audience throws plastic spoons at the screen. Whenever Tommy Wiseau opens his mouth for another terrible dubbed and barely English line, the whole audience, tears streaming from their eyes and gasping for breath cry along with him “YOU ARE TEARING ME APART LISA!!!!!”.

All you need to know about this film is that within the first 3 minutes I was crying from laughter. You must see this movie. No one can call themselves a true film enthusiast without joining in on this brilliantly wonderful experience. The Room really is the worst movie ever made, and thus also the best fucking movie ever.

The Room plays the last Friday of every month at midnight at The Royal Cinema. Click here for a trailer and join me again next month for the latest and greatest cult classic!